2003 / april / 14
Read this. Really.
Note, added 2006: I no longer endorse MoL or the Intensive. Please read A warning on the Miracle of Love.
1. The single most hopeful thing
The single most hopeful thing that I have experienced in my life so far is to know somebody, personally, before and after she became enlightened.
Not that I know what that means, enlightenment. But I knew her before and after, and I can sense that what my mind cannot grasp - a quantum leap.
She still likes pranks. She still can care very passionately about people, about the world. And she still enjoys chocolate with her tea. There wasn't that much of a change, in a way.
Except that she now does everything totally. Fully. Completely.
I left the organisation she is in a couple of years ago, but whenever she'd hit town, I made sure to see her. It is a great inspiration: to know that it is possible to live life like that, in full, truly free - but unlike the other enlightened persons I have had the privilege to experience in person, I know that she made the change herself.
She was given the name Mazzarati by the master who helped her to do it - because she needed to go fast. I like it when this very serious stuff is taken with a sense of humour.
2. The Intensive
Two months ago, Mazzarati visited Amsterdam again, and of course I went. And I heard that she herself is nowadays leading the group that I have done twice in '98 and '99, The Intensive. A group very much worthy of that name. But those times, I had to fly to southern California, nine time zones away, and also for various other reasons it was a Big Deal. Worth it, but a lot of trouble to go through.
And now I heard that not only is the group happening on my continent, in my time zone, only one country away - but Mazzarati is leading it herself. A woman whom I probably trust more than anyone in my life. While keeping my bullshit detector on, of course, and that's helped by her dislike of reverence. All the better.
And as my life has been rough going recently, I thought, why shouldn't I give myself this present of six days of meditation, of focussing and going inside? What do I have to lose? I'll just do it and I'll see what comes of it.
3. Be careful what you wish for
I was afraid, too - in the good way. I've come to recognise my fear of change. I want change, the way I'm living my life right now is frustrating me in many ways, and I find it hard to break out of the chains of habit and comfort.
But be careful what you wish for, cause you might get it. The last few weeks, I've had so much on my plate.
For example. I met what could be one of the loves of your life, so rare and precious, and just due to the practical world being unfair, there is no chance of working that opening, that bond, that love, out in a relationship. But the love is still there. And I chose not to close myself, letting myself stay open and vulnerable - because if I would not allow myself to feel the pain, I would not feel the love either. So I had the wonderful gift of giving a lot of love, throwing all expectations overboard. And expectations I found many, and some of them were really hard to part with.
There were more things. Last sunday and today, I posed for a
friend, a paintress that I made a nice deal with: we're exchanging
portraits. There I am, sitting, looking straight at her, the
only thing I need to do is to be myself, the way I want to expose
myself - and I do not want to leave anything unexposed. That's
such madness! Why hide? What have I got to lose? Whilst sitting
there, letting myself be studied carefully, be investigated,
it was like a vipasana meditation: "Who is in?" "Who is in?"...
(she's now showing me the painting until it's finished, by the
way, so even there I have nothing to go on. Letting go, letting go...)
Lots happened.
All those events had in common that, as I was preparing
for the Intensive (writing a lot of diary, asking myself the
question: what is it I really want?), I had the courage
to stay open, and feel, and let my heart break.
It was a rough ride, but I held on faithfully. So far so good.
I had expected that, more or less.
Until... I hit the spot where I could not take it anymore. Too much. It was becoming too much. I did not realise that there was so much pain, fuck! And I hit the brakes. Do I want this? Yes, I want change - but do I want to pay this price? Do I? Am I willing to let go this far? And for what?
4. You get what you need
Tomorrow morning - it's after midnight, actually today - I'm taking the train to Munich. I don't know what will happen there. Something important, I'm sure.
It might be something radical. It might be change. Well, that's the only thing I can be sure of. I don't know if I'll like it. Maybe it has already happened.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes... you just might find...
See you in a week.
with love,
Sakaama
official
website for The Intensive
Note, added 2006: I no longer endorse MoL or the Intensive. Please read A warning on the Miracle of Love.
