2002 / august / 07
guilt
And then she asked me if I had ever truly felt the pain and suffering I had caused to others without the guilt coming in.
Silence on the line. And I realized, I never have.
You see, I have caused others pain. People I love.
It happens all the time. Either because I
was stupid and made a mistake, because something had larger ramifications than
seemed at the time, or because I just chose the least bad option in a
tricky situation. And sometimes, the hurt was already present inside the other,
and I brought it to the surface.
There's no avoiding it. It happens. It is part of living life in this
illusionary world.
But how difficult it is to accept it. Guilt lurks around the corner, and
damnit, it's so easy to let it overshadow everything else, including
compassion for the person in pain.
A friend called last night, in distress, she needed support.
I listened, let her talk,
I'm good at that. Then we came to the bigger issue - the hurt she's still
feeling about what I did to her when
(to summarize a long story in three words) I left her.
And immediately *bang* ... there was my guilt trip ... and in no time,
I was lost and confused, stuttering on the phone, my head taking over the
talking,
and with that I was of no support to her at all, effectively
turning all attention to me. Shite.
And then she asked me if I had ever truly felt the pain and suffering I
had caused to others without the guilt coming in.
And she was so right. Time to grow up, again.
